More on Surrender: A Discourse on My Personal Spirituality

a bad Instagram of the Buddha and the Virgin, side-by-side on my altar

Now about the Isvara...

So, this concept of surrender in the Yamas/Niyamas is called “Isvara Pranidhana” in Sanskrit. (ish-vahr-ah prahn-ee-dhan-ah) This is translated as “surrender to Isvara.” Isvara does not have a cut and dry English translation, but it does refer to a Higher Power. Yoga does not require a belief in a deity, but it does require that you acknowledge that you are not God, and that something greater than you exists. So, Isvara is that something- you fill in the blank.

In the yoga world, we often skirt the issue of Isvara. We don’t want to step on anyone’s toes or invalidate anyone’s belief system, just as we appreciate the same consideration being given to us. And it is not due to a lack of belief or even a lack of ascribing to a concrete system. Of all the yogis I know, though we have the system of yoga in common, our spiritual beliefs run the gamut. I personally shy away from talk of religion with anyone. I tend to let people believe what they want about what I believe. Sometimes, especially where family relationships are concerned, ignorance truly is bliss.

But I don’t want to be afraid to talk about my spiritual experiences and what I believe. It is an important part of who I am. What is the point of the surrender without the Isvara? And how can I talk about this element of yoga while refusing to discuss my own experience of Isvara?

My personal spiritual journey has vacillated wildly from one extreme to another. I grew up in the Southern Baptist Church. I never questioned any of the beliefs I was indoctrinated with from a young age until I was in my teens. But as I began finding my own thought patterns and developing my own personality, becoming the person I am meant to be, I also began dissecting the brand of Christianity I was being spoon-fed.

It started with the notion that a loving God can’t send people to Hell simply because they aren’t “saved.”  What if they don’t know they need saving? What about aborted fetuses and isolated villages who have never heard of this exclusive way to Heaven? It was a slow process, but I gradually let go of the things I had a hard time believing. Some might label such an action as a lack of faith, and so be it, but the Christianity I knew just did not line up with the feedback I was getting from my own soul.  

I spent much of my college years searching for something to replace my former religion. I still held Jesus as a central figure, and I still had very real spiritual experiences, but I felt I needed a semblance of a system to put them in. At that time, I was very drawn to symbols and iconography. I became enamored with the figure of the Virgin Mary and her significance in more liturgical brands of Christianity. I started collected statues and postcards and anything with the Madonna on it. My friend gifted me his plastic Mary lawn ornament from a Christmas nativity display, and I took it everywhere with me. To paint a better picture, my plastic Mary was three feet tall. She rode in my car, she sat in my dorm room window, and she went to the library to study with me. Part of this was just to be different and to be noticed- college student absurdity. But it was comforting to surround myself with this divine mother energy.

Christ crucified was another important image and idea for me. Being at a Christian college, there was no shortage of crucifixions to stare at, and I spent a long time staring at them. I would go to the college worship services and stare at the wooden crosses and just weep. At the time, I was very confused spiritually; there was a constant struggle between the faith I grew up in and the beliefs I still held. But one theme emerged clearly: the greater good of love and sacrifice. Even as I was crying over the crosses, not sure if God even existed, they became huge monuments to a love for all of humanity. And I still have some of my icons.

It was important for me to not know, for awhile at least, what I believed. Not out of a sense of laziness, but from a very honest place inside me. And out of that not knowing, I came across a mentor of sorts.

Dr. Ted Mashburn was my philosophy professor. I thought that every word that came out of his mouth was so important that I changed my major to take more of his classes. His ideas about God made sense to me, and his classes became the light at the end of my dark tunnel of soul-searching and unknowing. He was also, and still is as far as I know, the pastor at a Baptist church.

As I studied philosophy and other religions, Dr. Mashburn helped me to explore my own beliefs through essays and discussion. And while I really liked the ideas from his head, more importantly, I was able to form some ideas in my own head. I began to see elements of truth in Buddhism and Hinduism, and I began recognizing the light within myself, and that later became my central belief. Whatever you need to save yourself, you already have in your possession.

I still often operate from a state of unknowing. But there a few things that remain constant in my spiritual path.

- Heaven and Hell are states of mind that I create for myself.

- Cultivating awareness is key to maintaining a state of “heaven” or peace on a soul level.

- Yoga helps me to do that.

And everything else if open for debate.