Acceptance v. Resistance v. My Mom

My mom is terribly sick. To anyone who knows me, this is not news.

It started with fibromyalgia when I was beginning college in 2003, and from there she gradually declined into a shell of her goofy, cake-baking, thrift-shopping, registered-nurse-for-25-years self. She makes frequent visits to the hospital, and three years ago she suffered a seizure which left her with brain damage after being in a coma for five days. Today she has often has difficulty walking and talking coherently, and her memory and decision-making skills are not what they were.

As my mother's health first started its downward spiral, I fought like hell. I encouraged her to seek new treatment, eat better, try yoga, do more or be more than she was truly capable of in an effort to heal her, to save her. I tried to make her meatless spaghetti with five different vegetables, and I encouraged her to walk more and watch less TV. I even resisted the family visits themselves, attempting to return my childhood home to its impossible former glory and mold my brother and father into people they weren't.

My struggling and judgement was helpful to no one and did not improve my mother's condition. As I began yoga teacher training, this battle was what my teacher encouraged me to focus my energy on. And I learned that I cannot save my mother, but I could save our relationship. I could stop pushing veggies and lean protein, and enjoy fried chicken and ice cream with her with a smile on my face. I could stop badgering her to rest or exercise when I deemed it best and allow her to function as the fully capable adult she still believes herself to be. I could stop this battle by, at the risk of sounding heartless, embracing her condition instead of fighting it off. So gradually I did.

(Mom and me before she had gotten very sick, around 2006)

When I visit my mother now, we do what she wants and eat what she wants. It's not easy for me, but I allow her to be a sick woman with a questionable diet who refuses to try yoga and has energy for nothing but baking cakes out of a box until she drops , and in doing so she seems to feel better during my short visits. Broccoli may cure the body, but peanut M&Ms and orange soda cure the soul.