Kula Yoga Community Logo

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Cranking Up the Dimmer Switch from Resistance to Allowing

I recently took the 30-day challenge at the local Bikram Hot Yoga studio, completing 16 classes in 30 days. The practice is challenging: 90 minutes, 105' heat, and 26 difficult poses (no props, no modifications). I started with the intention of detoxing – physically – but found that the real need for cleansing was in my head. No surprise there, huh?

I struggled with back pain in Hero pose, nausea in Camel pose, and found myself unable to place my arms under my body for Locust pose. Lifting my feet in that pose? Not even a consideration. All simple issues, right? Any yoga teacher would tell you to give it time, that all things come through practice.... but it got tougher with every class. I found myself wanting to avoid class altogether. I even began struggling to stay present in each given pose as I began the countdown to locust, followed shortly by hero, then camel. Just slogging through waiting for it to all be over... What was going on? I love yoga!

As so often happens, the answer appeared when I was ready to learn it. A friend sent me a CD set, The Science of Enlightenment. I was struck by information I heard in the section that describes the benefits of meditation (that mindfulness reduces suffering.) Here is the formula:

Suffering = pain x resistance.

Notice that the 'x' represents 'multiplied by', not 'plus', meaning that pain increases exponentially when it is accompanied by resistance. So, if you have 10 units of pain and 10 units of resistance, it becomes 100 units of suffering – instead of just 10 units of pain.

Interesting, no? So, I looked back at my response to exploring new depths in Hot Yoga. I had begun describing the practice as “my own personal hell.” Maybe a little dramatic, but not far off from what I felt I was experiencing – coming face to face, over and over, with the same issues. So, was it possible that the suffering was caused by resistance? The CD program defined resistance as negative thoughts and/or physical tension. I had plenty of both.

As most classically trained yoga teachers will tell you, the Bikram dialogue (what the teachers say throughout the class) is …. contrary.... to how we are trained. When I didn't like the language that fuels the practice, I just rephrased it in my own terms (not lock the knee, but lift the knee.) I spent lots of energy translating. I also questioned the wisdom of not allowing modifications (after all, if I could only curl my toes under in camel, that 2'' would allow me easy access a pose that felt just fine).

In reviewing my mental approach to the practice, I could see that I came into the practice with pre-conceived notions that created a mental resistance. No surprise, I suppose, that my body set up a firm response of physical resistance to the very poses that open the heart and put us in a position of feeling vulnerable.

OK. Got it. I entered the next practice (number 11) with a clear intention: stress relief – no judgment, no expectations, no resistance... and no translating. I announced my intention (stress relief) to a friend when I arrived (he jokingly replied that I might be in the wrong place) and I rolled out my mat and towel. Exploring each pose with the intention of replacing resistance with equanimity, I found space in every pose that had not been there before. Balancing was easier. I felt less reactive and less judgmental. Camel was emotional, but the reaction was less vomit-inducing.

Next step, I approached my teachers and began asking questions. Their advice was always on target: press your hips forward in camel before you bend back, keep your eyes open during transitions to avoid dizziness, align your body correctly and approach each pose to the best of your ability today – no judgments, no expectations.

So, I decided to explore this topic a little more – the power of resistance to exacerbate pain – the power of acceptance to lead to equanimity, to create internal change. I set my class themes for June and posted Resistance vs. Allowing, including topics like 'Lean into the pain' - sounds like a fun class, huh? In response to a comment to that post, I replied:

Disassociating from fear and pain may be a 'natural' reaction to discomfort, but that resistance pulls us out of the present moment. So, maybe we really learn life's lessons only when fear has us cornered, everything falls apart, and we run out of options for escape. 
I'm glad that I have yoga to practice these skills; to change reaction to response, resistance to allowing, disassociation to mindful awareness. I think the practice makes us more present in the experiencing of our own lives.”

The response was taken from the idea of leaning into the pain suggested by Pema Chodron, who wrote When Things Fall Apart. I was in the middle of a personal crisis of pain at the time. My dog, Napoleon, disappeared on June 11th. He was my faithful companion of 5 years, and the emotions surrounding this incident were painful on so many levels.

I went through the experience with eyes wide open; journaling, meditating, seeking counsel from friends. I can now tell you that when fear has us cornered, we are forced to choose. We can live our yoga, choosing to stay present, to experience the pain and make conscious decisions about how we respond, or we can fall back into old patterns of avoidance and blaming. But whatever we choose, it is done in awareness.

We learn from our physical practice, not just the details of the poses, but how to face adversity with mindfulness and equanimity, how to respond to crisis with compassion and courage, how to let go. And it changes us.

The old patterns don't feel as comfortable as they used to. The new patterns are worn deeper than you may think through our hours on the mat.

I'm glad to close with a happy ending. Napoleon came home battered and bruised, 3 days (and 3 nights) later, but he is home safe and healing (a story for another time). I'm still practicing Bikram – cranking up the dimmer switch from resistance to allowing, and finding physical space in my body that perfectly contours to the new space in my mind.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Acceptance v. Resistance v. My Mom

My mom is terribly sick. To anyone who knows me, this is not news.

It started with fibromyalgia when I was beginning college in 2003, and from there she gradually declined into a shell of her goofy, cake-baking, thrift-shopping, registered-nurse-for-25-years self. She makes frequent visits to the hospital, and three years ago she suffered a seizure which left her with brain damage after being in a coma for five days. Today she has often has difficulty walking and talking coherently, and her memory and decision-making skills are not what they were.

As my mother's health first started its downward spiral, I fought like hell. I encouraged her to seek new treatment, eat better, try yoga, do more or be more than she was truly capable of in an effort to heal her, to save her. I tried to make her meatless spaghetti with five different vegetables, and I encouraged her to walk more and watch less TV. I even resisted the family visits themselves, attempting to return my childhood home to its impossible former glory and mold my brother and father into people they weren't.

My struggling and judgement was helpful to no one and did not improve my mother's condition. As I began yoga teacher training, this battle was what my teacher encouraged me to focus my energy on. And I learned that I cannot save my mother, but I could save our relationship. I could stop pushing veggies and lean protein, and enjoy fried chicken and ice cream with her with a smile on my face. I could stop badgering her to rest or exercise when I deemed it best and allow her to function as the fully capable adult she still believes herself to be. I could stop this battle by, at the risk of sounding heartless, embracing her condition instead of fighting it off. So gradually I did.

(Mom and me before she had gotten very sick, around 2006)

When I visit my mother now, we do what she wants and eat what she wants. It's not easy for me, but I allow her to be a sick woman with a questionable diet who refuses to try yoga and has energy for nothing but baking cakes out of a box until she drops , and in doing so she seems to feel better during my short visits. Broccoli may cure the body, but peanut M&Ms and orange soda cure the soul.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Cosmic Breadcrumbs: Beginner's Allowing

Cosmic Breadcrumbs: Beginner's Allowing

A meditation idea for this month:
Breath in: I allow.
Breath out: I release all resistance.

Theme for June: Resistance/Acceptance and Aparigraha

Practicing What We Know

This amazing space is designed for us to share – and to learn. We invite you take only what works for you, what resonates within you as truth. Leave the rest. It may work for you another day, or it may only be someone else's truth for that moment.

Practicing What We Know: this is what we truly discover on our mats, through our practice; we uncover what we already know within. The more we practice this way, approaching the mat with a willing heart and an open mind, the more we awaken – and the easier it becomes to transfer the lessons we learn on the mat into our everyday lives.

Here are some ideas about Resistance and Acceptance to explore in June:

WEEK 1

Suffering = Pain x Resistance

Note that when pain is met by resistance (tension and judgment), it is multiplied, and the resistance turns the experience of pain into suffering. Bringing mindful awareness (non-reactive observation) to the experience of pain or discomfort allows us to take a more conscious approach to the experience, to examine it and move through it.

WEEK 2

Lean into the pain

Buddhist monk, Pema Chodron, writes about the human tendency to avoid pain and pursue pleasure, reminding us that this often takes us in directions that are contrary to our intentions. She recommends that we practice leaning into the pain, softening into the full experience, making a conscious choice to stop avoiding it.

WEEK 3

Paradoxical Unity

Resistance vs Allowing – Are they really just two sides of the same coin? Two ends of a continuum? So that we are always at some point on the continuum – vacillating between resistance and surrender?

The Continuum of Letting Go

Resistance ---------------------------- Allowing

WEEK 4

Spiritual Purification = Pain x Equanimity

Surrender, Letting Go, Allowing..... we call it so many things in yoga. Contrary to what we might think, it doesn't mean collapsing or giving up, but bringing a mindful awareness to the current experience, examining pre-conceived notions, releasing judgments and expectations, making space for what might be, welcoming. When we learn to release the tension and judgments that exacerbate our physical pain, we can take that same knowledge and apply it to our emotions; learning to greet emotions and experiences with a sense of equanimity.

Aparigraha

The Yama/Niyama that best seems to suit this topic is Aparigraha, usually translated as non-grasping or non-attachment. It's about letting go - choosing not to hold onto old hurts, or old stories, or old clothes.

I hope you'll share your ideas, class plans, poems, quotes, personal experiences about this topic.